Most relationships don't end because of one disagreement. Just because I'm a cat person and he's a dog person doesn't mean we shouldn't be together (though, my ex's feline phobia did contribute to our demise.)

There are more foundational differences that are the deal breakers. The same goes for families: seemingly unbreakable bonds get broken when one person decides to choose themselves in order to live a mere peaceful, sustainable life. The same goes for work relationships: I left a perfectly good job in London in order to have a career that suited my personality type and preferences.

I won't pretend this is easy: in many cases, choosing yourself (James Altucher speaks a lot about this and is very worth checking out) will result in letting relationships - even very close ones- dissolve.

But it can also strengthen existing relationships, invigorating them and restoring them to their best. It can also attract new relationships: from intimate ones, friendships and business collaborations.

First: Know Thyself

The Oracle at Delphi wasn't kidding. Getting to know myself has made the biggest impact in my life over the past 5 years. I've been, slowly but surely, creating a detailed map of my personality, preferences, values, strengths and blind spots: and from this I can much more clearly get where I want to go. Heck, even knowing where I want to go would be bloody hard without this map.

This is a long process, and we're never done. After all, we're always evolving so our map will too.

Some resources to get you started:

The Self-Knowledge Series is dedicated to this exploration. It’s 10 episodes long (though each are no longer than 10 minutes) and whilst I recommend checking them all out and doing the exercises mentioned, here are some particularly useful ones if relationships are your prime focus:

Your Love Language

What environment do you thrive in?

What Do You Want?

In addition, the following personality quizzes are worth exploring:

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator

The Enneagram

The Four Tendencies

Your Creative Type

Once you start knowing yourself, you can start getting clearer on what you want from relationships.

One example is what I've learned about myself and the kind of clients I most want to work with.

I know I value feeling... valued. I like to feel appreciated. I know one of my prime Love Languages is words of appreciation: so a client that shows their gratitude in writing will encourage me to do my very best work and do anything to keep them happy.

If I'm getting very little from a client other than criticism, I'm likely to feel uninspired and ultimately let the contract come to an end asap.

With a romantic partner, I have other needs. I have my HSS (High Sensation Seeking) side to appease: the more they excite me the better. At the same time, I'm a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) AND an introvert: so I need a certain amount of alone time and quiet time, and ideally, they'll understand this and won't take it personally when I retreat.

Do you see how important it is to know yourself in order to bring out the best in a relationship?

Note that this is a very different approach to many relationships. Most folk dump the blame onto their partners personality type or preferences, shirking responsibility for their own quirks.

l encourage you to get to know your quirks and spot how they affect the relationships in your life.

In some cases, you might want to make some adjustments. They don't have to be as dramatic as leaving your job or breaking up with your partner: but you might want to have a conversation explaining what you've learned about yourself.

I explain introversion when I go on first dates. Usually this is met with, 'You don't seem shy...' and I naturally make my spiel about what introversion really is.

However, I don't lay out the detailed terms of our potential relationship: that would understandably send the poor bloke running for the hills.

Instead, I let things flow in a way that feels comfortable: I keep my boundaries and keep note of my energy. Am I spending too much of my time in ways that don't energise me, just to please others?

This is a constant balancing act, and I won't pretend I'm perfect at it. But, I forgive myself when I catch myself overextending. l also forgive others who have different needs from me, and do my best to respect them.

ACTION STEP:

Take some time to note down some aspects of:

Your personality type

Your preferences

Your values

Your strengths

Your blindspots