Brian Tracy, self-help guru extraordinaire, describes self-esteem as “your reputation with yourself.”

Self esteem is basically how much you like yourself, how much you value yourself.

However, self esteem can refer to very specific areas as well as a general feeling about the self. For instance, a person may have low self esteem regarding physical attractiveness and high self-esteem about ability to do a job well.

Its like a hall of mirrors. Some mirrors are not that crazy; they show a fairly accurate mirror image of our physical selves.

Some other mirrors however are wildly distorted just like our impression of ourselves. In some areas we feel fairly confident, and our judgement is accurate; in other areas were way off.

Self esteem vs. Self efficacy

Sometimes we get confused between self esteem (our overall value of ourselves) and self efficacy: our measure of how effective we are, based on performance of tasks or goals.

Self efficacy or competence can vary from one situation to another. For example, you might feel quite capable when it comes to drawing sea creatures but may not feel so competent in drawing human feet.

If we base our self esteem on our self efficacy, it can fluctuate daily based on our actions. Which doesn’t feel so great.

Those with unshakeable self esteem don’t judge their worth on self efficacy; they know their value no matter what external forces say.

It’s also possible to have low self-esteem and yet have high self-efficacy. For example, someone may be overly-critical and negative about themselves yet quite capable in certain areas. We might see ourselves as uninteresting and unlikeable but recognise our competence as a musician. This occurs frequently with perfectionists because they are often competent at tasks with clear guidelines but feel uncertain in situations without clear ‘rules' such as relationships.

A survey by TODAY & AOL revealed over 60% of adult women have negative thoughts about themselves on a weekly basis. Even that statistic is likely on the low side: most of our negative thoughts are so entrained and habitual we don't even notice them.

Examples of low self esteem beliefs and habits

1) Feeling unhappy

Our sense of satisfaction and contentment with life is partly derived from how we feel about ourself.

2) Feeling anxious

Many people with low self-esteem experience anxiety, especially social anxiety. We evaluate ourselves based upon comparisons to other people and assume others will see the same flaws and incompetencies that they see within ourselves. Concerns like this leave us feeling anxious and insecure.

3) Feelings of inferiority or superiority.

Most people who have low self-esteem feel inferior to others. They believe that they don't measure up to some standard that others meet.

Some people with low self-esteem may present an air of superiority. However, this may be a way of covering how they truly feel about themselves.

Oh and don't make the common mistake and assume that all feelings of superiority are due to low self-esteem. One way to make the distinction is that people who have low self-esteem and feelings of superiority will often have other characteristics of low self-esteem such as unhappiness or anxiety.

4) Impatience or irritation with self or others.

Another characteristic of low self-esteem is a tendency to be impatient or easily irritated by mistakes, flaws, or inadequacies. Most frequently this is directed at the self but it can also be directed at other people.

5) Negative self talk.

Low self-esteem tends to lead to negativity. This negativity may not always be externally visible but internalised with negative self-talk. External manifestations include criticising oneself to others or excessively, apologising excessively or commenting a lot about negative observations.

The Characteristics of High Self Esteem

1) Responsibility.

Since individuals with high self-esteem can accept themselves completely they are able to take responsibility for themselves and the consequences of their actions without being excessively critical of themselves. Therefore, they are readily able to acknowledge mistakes and accept limitations.

2) Goal commitment.

Those with high self-esteem tend to have a strong sense of purpose and are committed to goals in life. In addition, they tend to be persistent in achieving these goals as they commitment does not fluctuate based on success or failure. As active participants in life they tend to strive for excellence not for perfection.

3) Genuineness.

People with high self-esteem can be honest with themselves and others both emotionally and intellectually. As they aren't fearful of others truly knowing them, they tend to be genuine in their interactions with others.

4) Forgiveness.

High self-esteem tends to correspond with tolerance and acceptance of limitations. As a result, people who have high self-esteem are forgiving of themselves and others.

5) Internal values.

Individuals with high self-esteem tend to have internally-based values rather than externally-based values. In other words, they have a strong identity based on chosen values rather than values they believe due to the demands or expectations of others. This type of identity is usually considered an "achieved identity" in which a person has analysed their beliefs and values to decide the set of internal principles or values that they will adhere to.

6) Appreciation.

People with high self-esteem are positive with an appreciative and grateful attitude towards life. They can freely praise themselves and others and tend to look for the positive aspects of life and not dwell on the negative.

7) Self-improvement.

Generally, there is a strong tendency to strive towards self-improvement among those with high self-esteem. As they don't view the need for self-improvement as a negative quality they are able to examine themselves uncritically. In addition, they can ask for help as needed because they don't view the need for help as shameful or negative.

How do we develop low self esteem?

It can feel like we've had low self esteem all our lives, and it's true that it starts early in most cases. But we're always evolving, and our levels of self esteem fluctuate. Here are some of the factors that affect us:

1) Shame.

"Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.”

~ Brene Brown

Shame, according to Dr. Brown is the painful wave of emotion that washes over us when we feel judged or ridiculed about the way we look, our work, our parenting, how we spend our money, our families or even the life experiences over which we had no control.

Over time, these experiences of shame take our self esteem down and make it hard to build back up.

2) Uninvolved/Negligent Parents.

In many cases, and particularly when we’re young, our feelings about ourselves are heavily influenced by how others feel about and treat us – especially our parents or guardians. Everyone deserves a loving family, but some young people have the misfortune of not getting adequate support at home.

Parents or guardians with mental health issues, substance abuse issues or other challenges may not be able to provide their children with the care, guidance and attention they need and deserve. This can cause significant self esteem problems for young people, as those who are supposed to care for them most may not seem to.

3) Negative Peers.

Just as the way we’re treated by parents or guardians can greatly influence our self-esteem, so can the way we’re treated by peers. Being part of a social group that brings you down – by not respecting you, by pressuring you to do things you’re not comfortable with, by not valuing your thoughts and feelings, etc. – can cause you to feel like something is wrong with you, or that the only way for you to be liked is to do what others want and not listen to your own heart and mind. This is very damaging to how you see yourself.

4) Trauma.

This can range from emotional or physical abuse, losing a job, ending a relationship, physical or mental illness. A person may feel that he or she did something to deserve the traumatic experience; that he or she was not worthy of the respect, love and care of another.

5) Ongoing stress.

People who put themselves under pressure tend to be described by others as high achieves but low self esteemers. These people assume the only way to achieve is to embrace the pressure with open arms. The fallout of course being ill health, stress and anger.

Things that make it worse

1) Social media.

We tend to evaluate our self based upon comparisons to other people - and social media doesn’t help this. In addition, many people are concerned about others' evaluating them and assume that others will see the same flaws and incompetencies that they see within themselves.

Match reported 51% say social media has made them feel more self-conscious about their appearance. Dr Suzana Flores further explains “research has also shown that Facebook users are becoming increasingly depressed from comparing themselves to their own profile. Meaning that if a person’s reality does not match the digital illusion they post on their profiles, emotionally, one may feel they are not living up to the “best” form of themselves.”

2) Previous Bad Choices.

Sometimes we get locked into a certain pattern of decision-making and acting. Perhaps you haven’t been a very good friend in the past. Maybe you didn’t apply yourself in school. Maybe you participated in risky behaviours like drug use.

You might think you’re just 'the kind of person' who behaves in those ways. You may even dislike yourself significantly because of past choices, but don’t think you can change courses now. Therefore, you won’t try. You’ll continue making choices that reinforce your own negative self-view.

3) Negative Thought Patterns.

When you get used to feeling, thinking and talking about yourself in a particular way, it becomes habit. You’ve probably heard of muscle memory – once you’ve performed a certain physical activity like riding a bike over and over again, your brain automatically signals your muscles to do whatever that activity requires – keeping you balanced on the seat, for example. Your thoughts and feelings actually work in the same way sometimes.

If you have often felt that you’re worthless or inferior, if you constantly think negative thoughts and say negative things about yourself, then you’re likely to go on feeling and thinking the same way unless you break the cycle by challenging your negative thoughts and feelings about yourself. Just as our muscle memory can learn the wrong way to perform a physical activity, our thought and feeling memories can learn inaccurate patterns.

4) Isolation.

We’re introverts, I know, and generally we are very good at isolating ourselves. But isolation can be taken to the extreme, and result in feeling lonely and can exacerbate feelings of low self esteem.

Whilst some solitude can be restorative and relaxing, isolation is a debilitating feeling of emptiness and alienation that isn’t solved by mere human contact. It’s possible to feel isolated in a crowded room, even amongst close friends and family if your self esteem is on the low side.

“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”

~ Mark Twain

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Sorry this was a bit of a downer! On the upside, the next lecture in this series will be all about what we can do to raise our elf esteem - in ways that suit our personality type and preferences (no extroverted affirmations necessary.)