I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert when it comes to relationships: whether it’s with friends, family, romantic partners or colleagues. But I am a real, live, creative introvert who has learned a thing or two about managing relationships in a way that’s congruent with my personality type.

This isn’t easy, but it is simple… in theory. The first step, just like in solving any business-related problem, is understanding where we’re at right now and where we’re getting stuck.

Then, we’re good to move onto the solution. Game?

This first instalment of the February Energy Focus (Relationships) is going to tackle the common relationship issues we face as introverts.

In doing so, I’m hoping to cover at least one issue you’re personally experiencing, and from there help you to clarify where you’re getting stuck in finding relationship harmony and move past that sticking point.

Oh - and I’m not just talking about romantic relationships in this Energy Focus: I’m talking about every close relationship we encounter because each and every one will have a wider impact on our lives, including our creative ambitions.

So, onto the issues!

1. They don’t understand why you need to be alone

This crops up in so many areas of our lives. For me, it’s been particularly prevalent amongst friends who are more extroverted. Holidays with these well-meaning folk can take their toll on me, if I’m not making time for myself, whether it’s in the morning before we start sight-seeing, or hitting the hay early because another drink at the local bar is sounding less fun than my pillow.

Helping people to understand you have specific energy needs is crucial for them to know you aren’t darting off or becoming increasingly quiet and cranky because of anything THEY’VE done. If your partner or colleague or mum or bestie is an extrovert, you owe it to them to explain where you get your energy and where your limits lie.

2. You’re slow to open up

This is common especially if you’re on a first date with someone who naturally, wants to get to know you. Holding back, or talking only about topics unrelated to your personal life (something that I’m very prone to… quantum physics anyone?) can keep your potential new mate at an arms length, and leave them feeling distant and unconnected.

The same goes for starting a new job. I think it’s one of the reasons I struggled as a freelancer working in-house for short periods. I never got a chance to open up to my temporary colleagues, and as a result I too felt unconnected - purely because I didn’t have the time to warm up and show my true colours.

When we can let ourselves relax and share snippets about how we feel, what we enjoy, what we aspire to be, with others, we are getting vulnerable. Brene Brown is the queen on this (I recommend Daring Greatly for more in-depth musings on vulnerability) and it does take practise. But the more we allow ourselves to risk being rejected or misunderstood, the easier it gets and the rewards are well worth it.

3. You don’t ‘do’ phone calls

I refer to my iPhone as my texting-camera. That’s what it’s for. Making phone calls? Heck no.

This can be problematic in romantic relationships if your partner prefers to connect in this way. For many introverts, even texting isn’t ideal because it feels to close to small talk. As with all these issues, it’s going to help matters if you can at least explain to your communication buddy how you feel about these forms of communication: help them understand you aren’t just being aloof or evasive.

In professional matters, this can be more difficult to negotiate. When I worked in an office, my boss expected me to solve problems directly with our clients, and would often have to forcefully suggest I make a call, rather than playing email ping-pong.

I still believe wholeheartedly in the power of email, but I also must acknowledge phone calls are how a large portion of the world best communicate (even if that doesn’t include me) and that much of my anxiety around calls can be overridden, when I do it more often.

For example, if you haven’t heard back from someone via email, rather than sending a follow up email, ask yourself honestly: could you just try calling them?

Like with all big scary things, I recommend building a bridge. For phone calls, it might be calling a friend you feel comfortable with to practise a conversation. Or setting yourself the challenge to make the call, but hang up after one ring. Give yourself room to bail: but only once or twice. Honestly by the second or third time you know you’ve done the hardest part: the actual conversation is never as bad as we fantasise.

4. Certain activities they enjoy, you can’t stand

Group activities, whether it’s hanging out with your partners friends, going to a busy bar with your besties, or attending a family event or another wedding can leave an introvert in a cold sweat - just thinking about it.

But does that mean we go through life dreading these occasions and just dragging ourselves along to end up miserable and exhausted the following day?

Or do we reject all invites and commit to a loveless life of isolation?

Well, no. It’s a balance. It’s a constant negotiation with yourself and your extroverted loved ones, that will become easier the clearer you are about your boundaries, needs and energy balance.

I personally know my own ‘extroverting’ limit is two social occasions over two days. On the third day, I need time for myself. Ideally, the whole day. Me and my laptop, a good book, a long walk. That resets me and I can get back to being social on day 4. Rinse and repeat. But your energy needs might be very different.

The important thing is to experiment until you know reliably what you’re capable of, and how you function at your best. When you’re confident in your needs, you can say no more easily, or yes more confidently, because you know you’re doing your best.

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ACTIONS STEP:

Which of these challenges can you most relate to?

Pick just ONE to focus on this week, and see if you can make any progress in facing it and moving forward in your relationships.